


Smoothie May Cry

by YinHai17



Series: Devil May Business [1]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Bad Jokes, Dante is a Mess (Devil May Cry), Demon Lizards Made Him Do It, Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, Miraculously No One Gets Stabbed, Pizza Smoothie, Post-Canon, Probably Cringe Worthy, Sparda Family, Use of Internet Slang, V is his own character, bad movie references, idc, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26888971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YinHai17/pseuds/YinHai17
Summary: Dante needs more money to pay his bills, so he takes his forsaken blender and a Pizza box. Nero screams in agony, Vergil might flee to the underworld again, V makes a terrible decision, and Nico is having the time of her life.-----------Part 1 of the "Devil May Business" Series.
Series: Devil May Business [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1961815
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Smoothie May Cry

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gemini_in_tauro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gemini_in_tauro/gifts).



> I'm not a great comedian, so you'll have to bear with me. This is all Gem's fault btw. If this mess manages to get a smile from you, please leave a comment and I'll consider getting the other parts that I have planned out! This wasn't exactly written for DMCWEEK 2020 but the prompt gave me the right to use it, so fuck it.

_-_ **_Mission 01_ ** _\- Smoothie May Cry -_

The job was supposed to be simple, to take care of some sewer demons, clean up the mess, and get the cash. But no, life had to be the bitch that it was turning everything complicated. 

Just when he was about to get the killing blow on those sharpened-teeth little monsters, their _Queen_ appeared; which was too big, too long, and too problematic. You could argue that he had a thing for those things but this wasn’t what he had expected! It took him by surprise, scraping his face with his tail and sending lots of its babies for his _dummy thicc_ thighs. 

_Maybe...he should have accepted Trish’s help for this one._

The cost of escaping those crazy fangs, plus it’s hardened and slippery body, was trapping it in one of the sewer small spaces; letting the foul stench of piss and shit drench him completely in the process. Mama Lizard running on his _tail_ (heh, get it?), destroying every path, clogging, and destroying the city’s pipe system for God knows how long. But it wasn't _his_ fault! Lady’s info fucked him over! He killed it, of course, he did, but his payment? HAH! That shit disappeared as soon as it came.

 _“For the repairs”,_ Morrison said, his chuckles and coughs due to Dante’s terrible aroma resonating in his mind. He refrained from taking the man by the shoulders and _yeet_ him out of existence because of their long friendship, but man, give him a break! This was not cool at all. 

“Another gig, another fucking debt to pay,” he grumbled, “I _swear_ if I see one of those fucking reptilian assholes in my toilet _I’ll_ -”

“Ah, brother. I see your plumbing job was a success then?” 

He stopped dead in his tracks at the shop’s entrance. Vergil stared back at him, a clear hum of amusement coming from his lips, looking at his stance alone, the older son of Sparda _knew_ his little brother’s temperament was at a cracking point. And as much as he would like to have their scheduled battle of the day, he would NOT get his coat dirty with filth.

“Dinner is in the microwave, if you get sewer water in the carpet I won’t vouch for you in front of Nero,” and with that, he left for his room, a snicker escaping his mouth.

There was a sudden crash downstairs, but Vergil decided to ignore it. 

* * *

(***)

Several minutes later, Dante found himself roughly drying his hair, with the only (mostly) clean towel that he could find. Nero’s homemade sandwiches were on his desk, half bitten. The jukebox machine played one of Vergil’s awful records that he was _obligated_ to buy once they ended up sharing a house. 

_Damn his brother and his awful tastes._

Now shirtless and comfy on his chair, with his feet over the table, he allowed himself to relax. The whole thing with the sewers made his skin irked with irritation but there was no use to it, it had happened and it was not the first time (nor the last) in which he ended up without a dime; his many unpaid bills were a testimony and a reminder of that fact.

_Agh, fucking bills._

He scanned the many envelopes on the table, some of them were just red ink over white paper, exclaiming: “IMPORTANT” or “URGENT REMINDER”. While the _funnier_ ones were red over red, with a vibe of “I’LL SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT, ONCE YOU GET THE SEAL OUT OF MY TONGUE, YOUNG MAN!,” just like the ones in that movie about wizards and lightning scars that the kids seemed to love these days.

Man, if only he had a way of getting some other form of income without the risk of destroying half a city or losing his pride to giant lizards and piss water. Maybe he should start a side business, like in those fancy movies where the spies own a tailoring place or something. 

_What could he do though…?_

Plumbing was out of the way, _DEFINITELY._

The building had some rooms to spare, maybe he could rent a room? Nah, too risky. Cleaning service? Nope, too lazy to even clean his own shit. Gunsmithing? Nico might actually kill him if he tried to steal her job. Eh...swordsmanship classes? Hard pass, it had been years since he actually had the delicacy of going one on one with someone, taking their mortality into consideration; he might end up in jail, which he liked to avoid, knowing how terrible it turned out to be last time. 

“Fuck, thinking it’s hard,” the devil hunter scratched his chin, “Why the fuck do we need money anyway?” 

Taking another bite from his cold sandwiches he kept thinking. Even when he took his last bite of jam and cheese bread, he had nothing; his stomach grumbled, aching for some pizza. Don’t get it wrong, Nero wasn’t a bad cook by any means, but he was taking this “ _change old uncle’s diet plan”_ too far! He couldn’t keep Dante away from his one true love forever. He was even watching his sugar intake, his strawberry sundaes being kept away from him too! 

_He needed milk and protein to keep these guns going, baby!_

While he rummaged around the small kitchen for that old pizza box that he had stuffed for emergencies, he was struck with an epiphany. 

_What was the thing that people loved the most?_

Yes. Exactly.

_Food._

But food was nothing without some love, and what did _he_ love?

“Well, well, well,” grabbing the half-empty milk gallon and the old pizza box in one hand, he made a bee-line for his old blender, “Guess _I’m_ cooking tonight!” 

* * *

(***)

Okay so here was the deal, he was doing some gigs out in Fortuna when his Father called him, something about _“Despicable moron”_ and _“Incapable of seeing reason”_ regarding Dante. Which in itself, it wasn’t atypical considering how they treated each other and all. What had worried him though, were the _background noises._

It was like someone was stirring some shit with ten blenders at the same fucking time, screams, and crazy laugher coming out from the other line while doing so. On a whim, Nero _“triggered”_ and ended up flying all the way from home to the Devil May Cry’s shop (which wasn't an easy fit, mind you). 

Now, however, he regretted that decision. 

“Hey, kid! I was actually going to call you! With you being part of the Fortuna branch and all, we need to discuss some things!”

Yup, that was Dante, in an apron, with a chef hat and like...5, 10, 18 blenders…?

_Where the fuck did he got that stupid amount?!_

“What the hell are you doing, old man?!” Nero approached the desk, where several tall glasses with a weird chunky and...orange substance waited for him. His demonic sense of smell kicking in, it smelled like sauce, meat, and... milk? The aroma wasn’t bad in a sense, but it wasn’t appealing either. _Just what the fuck was this shit?_

He could swear there were spices and...strawberries in it? _What?!_

That’s when he saw it. A big pile of empty pizza boxes behind the table.

Oh.

_Oh shit._

He wanted to throw up.

Wait, he was _going to_ throw up. 

“Have you lost your damn mind?! Please tell me you didn’t just do what I think you did!”

“He did,” the older son of Sparda appeared out of nowhere, presumably from the second floor, nearly giving Nero a heart attack, “He has passed the following days ‘perfecting’ his recipe, as he calls it”.

“Hey, practice makes it perfect!” Dante defended, throwing a nasty glare at his twin, a wooden spoon in hand; if Nero wasn’t so fucking disgusted right now, he would have laughed his ass off, “You did complain about my masterpiece before, so I had to alter it a bit, well, a _couple_ of times”.

Nero did a double-take at that, “You...you tried that?!”

His father, nonchalantly as ever, just raised his shoulders, “In my defense, it was just a sip, and it looked harmless at the time”.

“ _Jesus Christ_ ”.

“Yeah, well. As I was saying...” Dante chirped in, cleaning his hands on his apron, “This is what I call a ‘Pizza Smoothie’ not very original, I know, but hey! The moment we put this in the market people might actually enjoy it, and we'll get some extra cash from it! Some well-needed cash I might add”.

“With your level of destruction of public property, I’m not surprised”, Vergil stated, simply roaming around the room. He looked as he sounded, tired of his brother's shenanigans. 

“Well, not all of us have their good days, _dear brother,"_ he commented mockingly, putting more strawberries to the weird mix inside the nearest blender, “Besides, that debt has been dealt with, so shut up!”

Vergil massaged his temples in annoyance, clicking his tongue in disgust. He should have instigated that fight with Dante after all; the night where all this craziness started might as well have been avoided if he had given into that desire. He sends a pointed glare to Nero then, eager to know his son's input in all this madness. 

“You plan on promoting...this, this thing? Sorry man, but I doubt someone would want a hold of that, ugh”, Nero paled at the thought, clearly disgusted by the mere idea of someone putting that thing willingly into their bodies. 

To his horror, his uncle does exactly that. Taking the handle in the blender's side, pouring some of the liquid directly into his mouth.

_That nearly makes him faint on the spot._

His father seems fairly shaken as well, his eyes big and searching quickly for any signs of intoxication over his little brother's face despite himself. But the other shows no sign of such a thing, he even smiles, murmuring "That's it!" happily to himself. 

There is a silent exchange between father and son. A wordless _"What the fuck?"_ clear in their faces. 

“I get it, I really do," Dante continued, unaware or uncaring of his family reaction, "I read some articles on the web about product placement. We’ll take a ‘small approach’ about it you see”.

“We?” the younger hunter asked.

Dante chuckled for some reason, “Yeah, get with the program kid, I just said that”. 

“You old fart-”

“The plan is giving one of these babies with each gig we get..." he ignored his nephew's curses in favor of explaining the whole smoothie situation, “...as a free sample. Like a, what's it called? Sale study?”

“Market study”. 

“Yeah that, thanks Verge!” Vergil couldn't care less about it, “Point is, we get them hooked and then we start supplying them with the goods. I haven’t decided on a price yet, so I’m open to suggestions”.

_It sounded like the start of a drug deal than anything else._

“How about we just sell the blenders and get some money back, huh?” Nero inquired, exasperated. Pointing at the electronics with sudden fervor, “Because I don’t think you got any profits from that, you dipshit!”

“Wow! Calm down, calm down…” But those words were doing anything but calming the young man, “I spoke with Morrison, everything's a-okay”. 

“That man is an enabler for your bullshit!”

The younger son of Sparda lifted a hand to protest that statement, but no words came out, since it wasn’t a lie. Without anything to say, Dante stroked his own neck in a sign of defeat. 

“Come on kid, help me on this, you have that fancy van, just get some samples and start this business for your dear uncle, yeah?”

“I’m not bringing that to Nico’s van!”. 

“Well, if you ain't, I’m gonna!”

Nico's loud voice took Nero and everyone present by surprise, as well as the lank, tall figure that accompanied her, “What the fuck? The hell are you doing here, weren’t you back in Fortuna?” 

“Kyrie got worried cuz of you and your fancy flying!” The brunette explained with a cigarette in hand; taking a puff from it, she lets the smoke come out before taking V by the arm, “So I brought Shakespeare here for backup! Thought you guys were fighting again or something but I found this instead!”

“We didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” the goth man said, attempting to clear the air with various movements from his hand. He looks well, aside from a little rough up, presumably because of Nico's driving. 

“Maybe you, but I did! Either way, what’s _this_ I’m smelling?” Without wasting a second, the Gunsmith goes straight to the desk, eyeing the drinks with great interest. 

“Nico I swear to God-”

She ignored her fellow friend, more occupied with smelling the shit out of the glass’ content. “Woo-hoo! Smells like my aunt's weird potions! Pretty nostalgic!”

Dante looks intrigued by her admission. Glee illuminating his eyes, one that Nico shares with him. She quickly grabbed one 'Pizza Smoothie', staring at it with wonder. 

“Nicoletta, I don't think…” 

In a quick couple of gulps, the glass was empty. Nero screamed in agony, Vergil _facepalmed_ and Dante laughed like the maniac that he was. V was just confused with the whole scene, feeling left out but not really complaining. 

“Dammmn, this thing is something, I tell ya! Can I get another one?” she actually savored the aftertaste, humming a little while gently shaking the glass, asking for more. 

Dante showed a smug smirk, probably feeling prideful and satisfied with proving to his older and little nephew the true potential of his culinary skills. “Sure thing, pretty girl. You can take as many as you like!”

“Awesome!”

While the human girl and the Legendary Devil Hunter were too busy enjoying themselves. V approached the other two, inspecting the scene as a mere bystander, watching how Nero’s and Vergil’s world got a little more deranged with every passing day. 

“I can’t fucking believe this...” the white-haired youth couldn't help but comment.

“Seems like a dreary beverage, then?” V asked, arms crossing in assertiveness. Nero was about to respond to that, acknowledging his friend’s presence with a shake of his head. Nico however, still pompous and happy as ever, decided to cut in. 

“Hey V! You want some?”

The question hanged in the air, the only noises coming from the ponytailed woman while she slurped her drink (was that...the second or third one?). Nero scoffed in response. V wouldn’t drink that, the son of a bitch was picky at best, taking after his father in that regard, he didn't understand why would the Gunsmith even ask, knowing the Summoner and his antics. 

But to Nero’s disbelief, V just shrugged, green eyes shining with curiosity; he nodded, although a little bit wary. Nico is as surprised as the hunter, opening her mouth before grinning, delighted with the outcome.

Dante seemed off-put as well, but he didn't comment on it; he looked pleased though, Nero was eager to rip his head from his shoulders.

_Just what the fuck was happening?_

He watched how another glass was taken by the brunette's hands, directing it to V. Vergil sighed in clear disappointment, not wanting anything to do with this nor his family anymore. 

“V, not you too!” Nero whined, maybe the other man had lost his last functioning brain cells while thrashing around in the van with Nico at the wheel because it wouldn't make sense otherwise, this was V! The man that couldn’t eat a burger without complaining about the sauce staining his hands and mouth. 

“Nico is fine isn’t she?” V responded, he twirled his cane a little bit, taking a few steps to reach the offered glass. “I don’t think there’s much to be worried about”.

Nero couldn't help but watch, throwing his hands in the air, “Nico is Nico, she smells devil parts for a living, you can’t trust her judgment!” he exclaimed, “I’m warning you, don’t do it”.

For a moment V seemed to consider it but what Nero does not know is the fact that V has eaten worse things before...way worse things. So the Summoner just touched him lightly in the shoulder and passed him by.

“I’ll be fine,” he assured. Nero gripped his hair in frustration but allowed him to go. 

“Whatever man, it’s your life” the Devil Hunter muttered. V rolled his eyes, getting his hand around the cup; the brim of it touched his lips and with a swift movement the liquid reached his mouth. 

“...”

A couple of things happen then. The first being the change in complexion in the Summoner's face after he finished his only sip from the cold drink. V put down his glass slowly, _too_ slowly, which made Nico reached out and grabbed it from his fingers before it fell and broke over the floor. 

His green eyes were unmoving, lost in who knows where. When he finally opened his mouth to say something, he stumbled, falling short; his body collapsing instead. 

Nico shouted in surprise; Nero being obligated to jump to catch his friend’s body before it hit the ground. He was pretty sure the Summoner said some weird things in his stupor. Hush noises of: _“It was worst”_ and _“Demon meat”_ spelling out of his lips. He probably had to ask him later about that, when he didn’t look ready to cross the threshold into Purgatory that is. 

“THE FUCK DID YOU FEED HIM!” Griffon shrieked, the apparent distress coming out of his master invoking him in a flash. Nero grimaced at the bird’s apparition. _What a fucking mess._

“I fucking told him! But he had to go and drink it!” 

“HEY V, V! DON’TCHA DARE GO TO THE LIGHT YOU HEAR ME?!” The avian took V’s clothes between his clutches and started shaking him as if the tattooed man was a rag doll. Nero shushed him, which railed up the bird, ending in both of them screaming at each other and swearing over the Summoner’s soon to be corpse. 

There was a deep sigh coming from the corner near the entrance, a quick sound of metal cutting air following it. Nero’s demonic energy peaked for a moment in alarm, the bright blue light of a portal created by the Yamato falling upon the room. Vergil stood ready for departure; his long blue coat and back pointed at them.

“Wait,” Nero stopped his quarrel with Griffon immediately, leaving V’s body on the floor. His eyes still unseeing, unblinking, with a green hue taking up over his features, “What the fuck? _You are leaving me here?!_ ”

“Yes, I am” is all his father said before entering the weird-looking space hole and disappearing from the shop. 

Nero was _this_ close to committing bloody murder, screaming his lungs out in frustration, while V was left to his own devices, probably saying his last prayers. 

Nico and Dante watched the scene unfold, a Pizza Smoothie in each of their hands, Dante even got the little fancy cocktail umbrellas for them, a cute orange straw for the Gunsmith, and a bright red for himself. Both share a smile, clashing their glasses together.

_There was nothing better than a Pizza Smoothie._

**Author's Note:**

> I have a tendency to mix "verb tenses", I tried to fix it last minute... Either way, have a nice day!


End file.
